So the next morning, as I opened my eyes, I could see a big wide round thing blocking my vision. The rotund thing withdrew in the shape of a conical nose. That conical nose belonged to one tiny pissed off face.
I closed my eyes and smiled.
And then a throat cleared.
Ok, I woke up to two really tiny pissed off faces.
I sat up, yawned and stretched. She was a volcano ready to spew ash!
What are you doing sleeping under a tree for? We have the room! Are you hiding from me, cause that will NOT work. I am too good at hide and seek games. Ha! You tell her, she shoved him, tell her I am good at hide and seek games.
And he stood, tapping his feet.
You are sleeping in my spot.
I grinned at the little idiots. I stretched my wakefulness as much as I can, only to show them who's boss, of course!
That worked, until her voice turned to high squeaky pitch.
We both jolted. Slowly but surely, panic rose in our brains. It was her voice, the way it enters your brains and rings through all your senses. And so, I walked over, took his hand quite bravely from where he stood transfixed and stretched my left hand to her.
She was infuriated. Disconsolate, even. But she could not be bereft of my extremely amiable and charming nature. So she took my hand in a, lets say, surprisingly strong grip for a little puny thing.
I left him in his spot and walked with her.
Its been 3 days you know, since you left, she noted in a meek voice. I nodded, sighing. Just 3 days and half my life-force seems drained already. There was a pounding pain in my knee which I tried to ignore. She gripped my hand tightly again and looked at the verge of tears.
I looked at her and kneeled over.
Hey, its gonna be okay. I ran on a pilgrimage and not on, um, anything mom wont approve. So, we are fine. Relax. I just, need to know some things.
What things, she questioned.
And BOOM, ladies and gentlemen, get up, wave your silks and beam your praises, for now is my time for answers.
I picked her up, perched her on a half worn-wall and cupped her face.
Answer me, I told her, because I am ready to know the answers. She nodded, clasped her hands together and waited.
I inhaled deeply, rolled my shoulders, and took a few seconds. I gently took her hand and this is how our conversation followed:
Me: are you real?
She: *thoughtfully, shakes her head yes and no.*
Me: Is that yes or no?
She: Yes, I am real. But not by your reasons.
*Schizophrenic* Me: Shit! I mean, damn!
She (slowly): But I am not part of your brain though. I am like you.
Me: Like me? How? I am imagining you.
She (laughing): You are not imagining me, you big bully, you are with me.
Me (not laughing): You are not real. I am not imagining you. You are with me.
She: *nods vigorously.*
(Schizophrenic) Me: *Looks around to see if anyone else is watching this conversation that I am, obviously, having with myself.*
She: *Laughs*
*Irritated* Me (also due to lack of caffeine): Explain.
She: How does this place feel to you?
Me (sighs): Quite real.
She (takes my hand in hers): Now, how do I feel to you?
Me (taken aback and shakily): Quite.. real.
She (nods): And I can feel you too. We are both real and yet, we are not.
Me: *Silent and shaken waits for her to go on.*
She: You know when they say, the Rishi's after long hours of meditation would see God and talk to him?
Me: are you a God?
She (laughing): No, silly. But have you ever wondered why we cannot see God like them?
Me: That's because they too are schizophrenic. A different kind.
She: Nope, truth is they did see.
Me: That doesnt make sense. You are assuming a lot of things. Like God exists, and that people can see Him or Her if they willed.
She (smiling): You disbelieve my words. And yet you stand here, talking to me.
Me: I dont understand. What are you trying to say?
She (sheepishly): I summoned you.
Me: You did what?
She: I am sorry. But you have to believe, I had my reasons.
Me: You cannot "summon" someone. No one "summons" anyone, unless you employ them and even then own will prevails. Do you understand? Who are you? How could you have possibly "summoned" me?
She: I wanted you to know the story. I am sorry I took advantage of your moment of weakness.
Me (shakes my head): This is getting too delusional even for me.
She (shrugs): I can stop. You wanted to know the answers. You said you were ready.
Me: But this.. this isnt answers. I dont even know what this is. This does not make sense.
She: It will. You have to believe me.
Me: If I do, everything I believe in so far, will be wroght to nothing. I dont know, if I have the strength to accept that.
She: But, you said it. You are ready. You just, please, have to believe me.
Me: I dont know anymore.
She (tearful whispered): You must know. But... but I can stop.
I had not known when tears started streaming down my eyes. I pulled my hands away from her. I could not hide the sorrow in my heart anymore. My mind reeled with words unsaid and love unfelt. My heart felt crushed and I could do nothing to stop its hurt.
And in that moment of extreme loneliness, I felt like I was chained to the place where I stood, too weak to move, to weak to cry. And, in that moment of extreme loneliness, I longed to place my head in a chest which would beat undying love into my soul.
And in that moment of extreme loneliness,
where I longed to be free and loved,
I heard my mother whisper my name.
I closed my eyes and smiled.
And then a throat cleared.
Ok, I woke up to two really tiny pissed off faces.
I sat up, yawned and stretched. She was a volcano ready to spew ash!
What are you doing sleeping under a tree for? We have the room! Are you hiding from me, cause that will NOT work. I am too good at hide and seek games. Ha! You tell her, she shoved him, tell her I am good at hide and seek games.
And he stood, tapping his feet.
You are sleeping in my spot.
I grinned at the little idiots. I stretched my wakefulness as much as I can, only to show them who's boss, of course!
That worked, until her voice turned to high squeaky pitch.
We both jolted. Slowly but surely, panic rose in our brains. It was her voice, the way it enters your brains and rings through all your senses. And so, I walked over, took his hand quite bravely from where he stood transfixed and stretched my left hand to her.
She was infuriated. Disconsolate, even. But she could not be bereft of my extremely amiable and charming nature. So she took my hand in a, lets say, surprisingly strong grip for a little puny thing.
I left him in his spot and walked with her.
Its been 3 days you know, since you left, she noted in a meek voice. I nodded, sighing. Just 3 days and half my life-force seems drained already. There was a pounding pain in my knee which I tried to ignore. She gripped my hand tightly again and looked at the verge of tears.
I looked at her and kneeled over.
Hey, its gonna be okay. I ran on a pilgrimage and not on, um, anything mom wont approve. So, we are fine. Relax. I just, need to know some things.
What things, she questioned.
And BOOM, ladies and gentlemen, get up, wave your silks and beam your praises, for now is my time for answers.
I picked her up, perched her on a half worn-wall and cupped her face.
Answer me, I told her, because I am ready to know the answers. She nodded, clasped her hands together and waited.
I inhaled deeply, rolled my shoulders, and took a few seconds. I gently took her hand and this is how our conversation followed:
Me: are you real?
She: *thoughtfully, shakes her head yes and no.*
Me: Is that yes or no?
She: Yes, I am real. But not by your reasons.
*Schizophrenic* Me: Shit! I mean, damn!
She (slowly): But I am not part of your brain though. I am like you.
Me: Like me? How? I am imagining you.
She (laughing): You are not imagining me, you big bully, you are with me.
Me (not laughing): You are not real. I am not imagining you. You are with me.
She: *nods vigorously.*
(Schizophrenic) Me: *Looks around to see if anyone else is watching this conversation that I am, obviously, having with myself.*
She: *Laughs*
*Irritated* Me (also due to lack of caffeine): Explain.
She: How does this place feel to you?
Me (sighs): Quite real.
She (takes my hand in hers): Now, how do I feel to you?
Me (taken aback and shakily): Quite.. real.
She (nods): And I can feel you too. We are both real and yet, we are not.
Me: *Silent and shaken waits for her to go on.*
She: You know when they say, the Rishi's after long hours of meditation would see God and talk to him?
Me: are you a God?
She (laughing): No, silly. But have you ever wondered why we cannot see God like them?
Me: That's because they too are schizophrenic. A different kind.
She: Nope, truth is they did see.
Me: That doesnt make sense. You are assuming a lot of things. Like God exists, and that people can see Him or Her if they willed.
She (smiling): You disbelieve my words. And yet you stand here, talking to me.
Me: I dont understand. What are you trying to say?
She (sheepishly): I summoned you.
Me: You did what?
She: I am sorry. But you have to believe, I had my reasons.
Me: You cannot "summon" someone. No one "summons" anyone, unless you employ them and even then own will prevails. Do you understand? Who are you? How could you have possibly "summoned" me?
She: I wanted you to know the story. I am sorry I took advantage of your moment of weakness.
Me (shakes my head): This is getting too delusional even for me.
She (shrugs): I can stop. You wanted to know the answers. You said you were ready.
Me: But this.. this isnt answers. I dont even know what this is. This does not make sense.
She: It will. You have to believe me.
Me: If I do, everything I believe in so far, will be wroght to nothing. I dont know, if I have the strength to accept that.
She: But, you said it. You are ready. You just, please, have to believe me.
Me: I dont know anymore.
She (tearful whispered): You must know. But... but I can stop.
I had not known when tears started streaming down my eyes. I pulled my hands away from her. I could not hide the sorrow in my heart anymore. My mind reeled with words unsaid and love unfelt. My heart felt crushed and I could do nothing to stop its hurt.
And in that moment of extreme loneliness, I felt like I was chained to the place where I stood, too weak to move, to weak to cry. And, in that moment of extreme loneliness, I longed to place my head in a chest which would beat undying love into my soul.
And in that moment of extreme loneliness,
where I longed to be free and loved,
I heard my mother whisper my name.
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